I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.