gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Grandmother clock.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat