WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.