Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
You Might Also Like
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
The funk soul brother
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess