How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.