Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids