The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?