Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.