I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count