My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
You Might Also Like
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
What number SPF blocks people?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.