Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
same energy
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Möther may I have a snäck
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?