I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.