Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Namaste
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?