I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Dead sexy!!
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!