I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
my first day as a raccoon
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready