Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.