[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
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Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids