Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
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“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Come back with a warrant
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*