When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
You Might Also Like
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.