Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
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Very problematic
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me too 😆
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I just love that new Pope smell.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.