Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”