Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The fall of Netflix
*puts cutlery down*
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’