Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
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poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”