I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
You Might Also Like
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.