I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
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🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most