Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I have never related to a cat more
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…