Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
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POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
getting corrected
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.