I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.