Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
You Might Also Like
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
👾👾👾
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.