When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
You Might Also Like
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.