I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
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Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.