He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.