Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Only a mother’s love …
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue