Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.