I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Not today. 😅
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart