How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
*updates tinder bio*
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.