we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
🤣
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Flock of bats
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?