COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
CRYING
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean