Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
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It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
You deplete me
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Spell check is for lasers.
Jogging
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…