Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.