My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
girls literally only want one thing..
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.