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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
(Musicians.)
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why