Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Guys, I found it.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.