I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
(Electricians.)
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.