Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn