When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.