[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face