One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
You Might Also Like
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great