I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re