toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
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I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
This one’s “Alex”.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice